Holding Onto HOPE Of Eating Disorder Recovery

A small and intimate group again this week. One member spoke of the journey she is currently on, traveling back through various forms of abuse she has experienced throughout her life. In order to move through this and onto the next, she is having to go through the painful process of sorting through those seasons. Her goal is recovery and healing, but in order to do so, she first must give “language” to the past. While this is a necessary thing, she—like most of us—is all too aware of how agonizing that process can be.  Another member struggles with relationship issues, having a hard time moving past that hole she feels in her heart. We continue to remind her, though, that she is not truly stuck; she continues to choose to face the pain without ED behaviors. As we let relationships go, we all shared how we can fixate on the good times and forget all of the really unhealthy things. Letting go of relationships which aren't working, including letting go of ED, can be very challenging.  The two are oddly parallel: both entail grieving; both entail choosing not to listen to accusatory voices; both entail a letting go…The promise on the other side, though, is so very worth it!  Another group member shared how she is feeling rather hopeless, and reacquainted with ED behaviors. She echoed that feeling of “stuckness,” worn down by the routine of “work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep.” She is longing for connection, yet longing for someone on the outside to reach out to her. This is one of those times where we can feel discouraged, but this is when we need others to hang onto that hope for us. We can allow others to “borrow it,” and it will be given back when we’re ready.  Another group member relayed some challenges with “binge-drinking,” which can be a "trade-off" for ED behaviors, but also very damaging. For her, there is a feeling of discomfort, which can trigger ED or drinking behaviors. The group talked about “sitting through” that uncomfortable feeling….waiting out the time and not purging….distracting….calling others in that moment, instead of engaging in behaviors. We talked, too, about “experimenting” with this idea—“I deserve not to self-destruct today.” What might that look like? Would your day change? Would the space around you reflect what you really are—worthy and valuable? Perhaps, it’s an experiment worth engaging…

The journey through the pain is hard work, is it not? I heard much of this echoed throughout our group. On the one hand, we have a choice—either to continue through life, above the surface, allow the hurtful pieces of our past to be ignored or stay buried beneath coping mechanisms, behaviors, and the like. (The eating disorder comes in handy here.) Or, we can choose to open up those pieces of our stories that we may rather not. Revisit the dark places. Go there. Let go of the familiar It’s scary—terrifying, really. And not a fun process. But, I believe that something greater beckons us from the other side—hope. The hope of a fuller life and one that promises more freedom, authenticity, and empowerment. This is the journey we’re all on. And I am honored to be in a room with so many courageous women who have taken up the challenge.

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator