Change As A Part Of Recovery... And Life!

After volunteering for nearly 3 years for the Eating Disorder Foundation's weekly support group, I am "passing the baton" to new leaders.  It was very hard to "say goodbye" last week, but I am making this choice so that I can devote more focus to my clients, supervising my interns, and writing my next book!

Two of our other volunteers – Tricia Cassady and Stefani Adair – are also moving on to new and exciting opportunities.  I am very grateful for all they have given to the members of the EDF group.

Kate Broyles Daigle, who has been volunteering this past year, will continue to co-facilitate a few times each month, and new volunteers will also be participating.  It has been a privilege to witness the growth in all of the members who have attended this group over the years.  I hope that my message of "complete recovery" lives on inside you all.  
  
I will be continuing this blog with posts for ongoing support about eating disorder recovery, so you are welcome to follow, this blog!  Or, send me a personal email to keep in touch, at DrDorie@PositivePathways.com

P.S – There is a new support group for BINGE EATING DISORDER starting soon at the Positive Pathways office in Denver.  The group is being led by Kathryn Hamrick, Couneling Intern, who has also overcome binge eating and other eating disorders.  She welcomes you to contact her for more info at Kathryn4825@aol.com

The Process Of Change During Recovery

Another rather full house on Tuesday night. Again, I left amazed, having witnessed such a level of authenticity and support. The kind of safety and encouragement that thrives in that room continues to leave me humbled and deeply touched. There are a lot of support groups out there that just don’t look like this one; your group is special, indeed.

A couple members spoke of the “in-between” of recovery—that place where you’re not so afflicted by behaviors but also aware that you’ve been here before, and the behaviors returned. It can feel unsettling, that space in the gray, not quite sure when the anvil will fall again. You wonder, “Is this it? Am I done, or is this just a momentary reprieve? A temporary vacation from the eating disorder?” Group members congratulated one another, though, for the success of any length of time without behaviors. What are some ways you can maintain that attitude of celebration—commemorate it? Whether it’s 1, 5, or 75 days, be encouraged that every step is a victory. Some members are walking through some pretty significant transitions during this season; others are facing very deep and challenging (and unpleasant) things in therapy. What was echoed back to these folks, though, is their exuding a calmer presence. Perhaps it has something to do with being faced with such significant challenges and facing your fears, head-on, that brings strength. It calls out from you a strength you may not have known you had. As you begin to walk it out, though—really take steps through those hard places—my hope is that you begin to see for yourself the courage and strength you really possess. And that it continues to infiltrate other areas of your life, giving you that much more determination to walk away from the ED. Another member talked about honesty and the challenge it can be to really exercise that while struggling with an ED. My guess is that all of us can relate to the deceitfulness that just seems to naturally accompany an ED. When we’re in it, self-preservation kicks in, and we’ll do just about anything to protect it. Recovery, though, calls us out into the light—out of the shadows and into speaking the truth. It forces us to get real and get honest. This member has committed herself to honesty in recovery. Groups like this one help foster that kind commitment. Coming together, speaking our struggles in the light and in the company of others, is powerful. Whether you know it or not, you are calling your recovery into existence, just by acknowledging it, verbally. Finally, another group member shared her sadness and frustration with “doing all the right things,” yet not seeing results. She is fighting for recovery, doing the hard work of therapy and group meetings and so on, yet not really seeing the payoff. Many in the group responded by reminding her of all the ways her success in recovery has inspired them to keep going. Recovery can be very slow-going, and it can be next to impossible to see our own progress sometimes. When we feel stuck, we need others to remind us of where we came from, where we’ve been. And, all too often, we have no idea how our own stories are impacting and changing the lives of others.

I would like to leave this entry with that idea. I’ve had the privilege of helping with this group for the past 18 weeks, and I am sad to say that this next week will be my last. As I’ve expressed before, it has been an honor to co-facilitate in a group of so many gifted individuals. You all have such wisdom for one another and such courage to continue to show up, week after week, fighting for freedom from the ED. I am challenged, inspired, and moved every time. I have been profoundly affected and for the better. Thank you, Dr. Dorie, for taking a chance with me. Thank you, Kate and Tricia, for your leadership and teaching. And thank you, group, for allowing me to witness your journey. It’s something I don’t take lightly. I will carry it with me in my heart and miss this group. May you continue to fight, continue to lift one another up along the way, and experience the joys of life on the other side. 

Peace and recovery to each one of you, Stefani

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Should's And Shouldn'ts Of ED Recovery

We had another big group this week. I am encouraged to see so many of you continuing to make time and space for recovery, even during what tends to be the busiest season of the year. And, for those who may not be able to attend, I hope you find connection and support from these posts. A number of things showed up Tuesday night. The phrase, “I’m not sick enough for treatment,” has come up more than once in the past couple of weeks. Most, if not all, struggling with an eating disorder are familiar with that one. We talked in group about some of the lies of the ED—how high the bar is set and unaccommodating are its commands. The truth? The truth is that it never stops because the ED is never satisfied. Whether you’ve struggled a month or a decade, the demands are the same; they’re impossible to reach. The ED speaks a language of comparison, and health is of no interest to it. Remember that the ED wants nothing more than to take you out of life, and its tactics are sneaky and manipulative. Listen, though, to that voice of health deep inside you. If you can’t quite hear it, open yourself up to the wisdom from your therapist, dietician, and trusted others in your life who know you best. The ED won’t like it, but that’s okay! It’s about you taking steps toward health and wholeness.

The word should comes up quite a bit in this group. I should feel this way. I shouldn’t feel that way. I shouldn’t be sad. I should be doing more. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself?” An ED is full of shoulds and rules and demands. It is inexhaustible with its lists of to-do’s and requirements, and rest seems to have no place. Some in our Tuesday night group have recently experienced some pretty devastating losses. Natural reactions range anywhere from sadness to fear to anger to anxiety, but the ED tells you not to feel those things. In fact, it acts to numb those feelings. I echo the words of several in the group, who maintained that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel. To have compassion for yourself during the chaos and confusion. To scream and cry if you need to. To rest. To need some alone-time (or some other-time). Or even to accept the fact that you may not know what you’re feeling. Regardless, though, to be where you are and to honor that. You may find that this acceptance will begin to show up elsewhere—in your voice and in your requests of others. In the words, “I need help,” or “I can’t do it alone.” My challenge for you is to ask for what you need during this time. None of us were created to go it alone; we need people around us to help carry some of the load. May you find yourself daring to speak a little louder, and to know that you don’t have to shoulder it all. May you know that your voice and feelings are valid.

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Eating Disorder Recovery During The Holidays

Greetings to all of you and Happy Thanksgiving! In the spirit of thankfulness, let me share again how thankful I am for this group…for each of you who continue to show up in recovery from this thing called ED…for the courage and wisdom and inspiration you bring to the table each and every week. You inspire me in more ways than you know, and it is truly an honor to sit among you and share a little in the journey. 

Speaking of Thanksgiving and the Holidays, in general, it can be a challenging time of year, can it not? How encouraging it was, though, to see 12 of you show up at group on Tuesday night, encouraging and supporting one another through recovery—even during a time of year that may not feel all that conducive to recovering. The stress of the Holidays can be enough to send any one of us back to coping mechanisms that make us feel a little more comfortable, a little more safe. Several members shared, though, about a new sense of balance they are experiencing lately with food. While this whole concept can be entirely lost during this time of year, one relayed that she was being intentional around the Thanksgiving meal by reminding herself that it is only one day, that she doesn’t “have” to binge, but also that she doesn’t need to spend all her downtime on the treadmill while her family is enjoying one another elsewhere. We talked some about approaching this particular meal (and others during this time of year) without fear, and members shared different tactics that have worked for them in the past. One shared a tip she has learned from her dietician—envisioning your plate ahead of time and actually drawing out what it will look like (i.e., foods, portion sizes, etc.). Then, once you get to the meal, there is no longer so much of that unknown to fear because you have already planned your mode of attack ahead of time! (This particular group member, in fact, has been experiencing quite a lot of success with trying new, scary foods lately; she is learning to enjoy different foods and situations, even when she is in less of a position to control those things.) Another member shared about a recent trip she took and the kind of freedom she experienced, learning more about “normal” and intuitive eating and the new sense of peace and enjoyment this brought to her vacation. “That’s why I’ve chosen to do recovery! To have that kind of freedom!” one group member commented.

Just a reminder that we will continue to meet throughout the Holidays and that this group is a great place to practice “putting your recovery first.” Also, utilize the phone list and your fellow group members’ contact info throughout the week; it’s a great way to stay connected and get support during what can be a very challenging time of year. May each of you experience a little more freedom than fear during these holidays, a little more hope than despair…more peace than unrest.

Because you’re worth it!!!

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Connection and Control In Eating Disorder Recovery

We had a big turn-out at group on Tuesday evening, several regular attendees and some new faces, as well. We spoke a little about how stepping into a group like this for the first time can be scary. Sharing such vulnerable parts of yourselves with strangers, perhaps not knowing how you’ll be received, not even quite sure you’re ready to say—out loud—you may be struggling with an eating disorder. Yet again, though, the group process reminds us that we are not alone. There is no need to stay isolated or hidden in the shadows. As members shared their stories, I heard over and over, “Everyone in this room has felt what you’re feeling,” or “Everything you just said has been said in this room.” When you begin to hear your story, spoken out of the mouths of others, connection and healing are taking place. The ED would like nothing better than to keep you in hiding or as one member put it, “in the dark places.” But as you begin to come forward into the light and speak—in the company of other witnesses—the ED begins to lose some of its power. Whether you feel it or not, you have chosen to take a step towards health. And all of us, I’m convinced, need reminding at one time or another that we are okay. That we’re valuable and significant and seen. That we have a place and purpose in the world. As one member shared her current challenges, another reflected back to her, “I only wish you could see what I see. I wish you could see how amazing you are.”

We talked about that ongoing battle of always trying to “fix” those things in our lives that are broken or just aren’t perfect. Body, appearance, job, salary, home…the list goes on and on. One member shared that she once was convinced that if only she could fix all of these things, life would be good and she could be happy. What she is learning, though, is that the foundation of it all is in truly loving herself. When that self-acceptance piece is there, somehow acceptance for all the rest seems manageable. “Life is a chessboard,” she expressed. “No matter how I try to manipulate the pieces, the chessboard will still be there.” My guess is that any of us who have struggled with an ED—and perhaps the entire human race, if we’re all being honest—can relate to this tendency to focus on the external when the internal doesn’t feel okay. Looking to find order and control in those things on the outside when what is on the inside is not so neat and clean. This idea of control, though, is elusive. We can’t always see how it’s roping us in like quicksand. How we take a step and “fix” one thing, but another is always around the next corner. The more fixing we do, the more we seem to get swallowed and consumed by the need to do so. These disapproving voices sound not so vaguely reminiscent of the ED voice—the voice that won’t ever seem to let you rest because there are always five more pounds to lose, extra miles to run, more rules to follow…I wonder what the external around us might look like if we really stopped all this efforting. Would it really all fall apart? Or, might we find a little more peace than we knew was possible?

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Sharing the Success of Eating Disorder Recovery

We had 4 members in attendance Tuesday night. To those who could not be there, your presence is missed. And, just a reminder to utilize the phone list with your fellow group members’ numbers. We are here to support one another, but it may take you reaching out—first—and calling that person.

Everyone shared some very real challenges, yes, but I must say that what struck me the most on Tuesday night were all of the successes. Let those not be minimized! Members talked about really feeling their feelings—for perhaps the first time in their lives—and not resorting to behaviors as a way to cope. –The awareness that whatever feeling it may be—whether sad or anxious or depressed—is truly temporary and will pass. One member relayed that there are a number of challenges ensuing in her life right now, but she is continuing to use her voice in the hard places and setting her intentions around this winter season—that it will be unlike any other…a season of health.       We talked some more about that need to advocate for ourselves in places where it may be uncomfortable—with employers, family members, or even in putting boundaries around our time. It’s an ongoing process, this staying on the offensive about recovery. The default may be to slide back into ED-related thoughts and behaviors, and it takes a lot of awareness and proactivity to keep health first. May you continue to remember that your recovery and well-being are worth more—that those things deserve not to be sabotaged, whether by a disapproving other in your life or a disempowering environment. Many, too, said they have been behavior-free for a good length of time, and this is something to be celebrated! May you find time to pause this week and reflect—relish—in the successes you have been experiencing. Whether you’re celebrating 5 minutes or 5 months, really acknowledge the enormity of that accomplishment.

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Climbing the Mountain of Eating Disorder Recovery

At group on Tuesday night, I heard several echo feelings of being overwhelmed, looking at the mountain before them of to-do’s and seemingly impossible situations. The weight of that mountain is really too much sometimes, and it may make the “simplicity” of the eating disorder sound all the more alluring. Trying to navigate the rocky terrain of schoolwork, finances, body image, relationships, difficult family conversations, or feeling like the ED is just too big a hurdle…Too much at once can really send us to a place of hopelessness and despair. So, what do we do in those moments? 

One member shared her method of making life more manageable—do the next right thing. Whether your next right thing is getting through the next hour or the next five minutes, what is that baby step that needs to be taken? Some other very practical suggestions were shared by group members—Finding a sponsor through OA (Overeaters Anonymous, technically, but an AA-type support base that encompasses all eating disorders—anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder, EDNOS, etc.). –Also, perhaps changing up the format of regularly scheduled therapy sessions (i.e., instead of all weekly, hour-long meetings, requesting one week’s meeting be divided up into five 10-minute phone check-ins with your therapist). What does your next right thing look like?

We talked, also, about getting to know ourselves outside of the ED. That can encompass so many things…Finding your voice, advocating for yourself in tough situations, exploring new hobbies and interests. The ED is so all-consuming that it monopolizes our time and becomes our voice when we let it. Our true passions and interests take a backseat when the ED is driving. Beyond it, though, is a whole other world. Members talked about experimenting with new hobbies, new ways of being, new ways of relating to others, new ways of relating to themselves. Where in your life is the ED doing the talking? Is there space in your world you would like to reclaim?

As the group shared and encouraged one another, I was struck with something else…Picturing that mountain, knowing that every single one of us has been there in that hopeless place…It can feel very isolating. When you’re doing the day-to-day and struggling to put one step in front of the other—support group not in sight and therapist separated by distance and voicemail—you may feel very alone. The temptation may be to feel like you’re the only one—that no one feels what you are feeling right now. This is when we need to be reminded how much we need one another. We all long for community and need that listening ear or shoulder to cry on. In the pit, we need to be reminded of our other group members standing at the top, looking over the ledge and pulling for us. Or, maybe we look over our shoulder and realize there are others, right alongside us. Watching the cycle of encouragement play out in this group is pretty astounding, really. One member who, not all that long ago, was feeling rather hopeless herself, benefited from her fellow members’ insight and encouragement to hang on. Now, she is finding herself in a stronger place and offering hope and words of wisdom to another member. When we find ourselves losing hope, again we remember that there are others who are willing to hang onto that hope for us. We may need to lend it out temporarily; we may need to let others believe it for us…But it has a way, somehow, of coming back around.

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

How Rest Helps Eating Disorder Recovery

We had another full house on Tuesday night, and yet again, I am astounded by the wisdom and encouragement that emanate from this group, week to week.

I heard quite a bit around the conversation of being versus doing, that old animal that seems to be such an ongoing challenge for so many of us. Sadly, living in this world just perpetuates that. Our microwave culture of productivity and bottom lines and time-is-money is so pervasive that escaping it is next to impossible. Most of us are over-committed and tend to find ourselves stretched a little too thin. What I heard on Tuesday, though, seemed to resonate of a counter-attack on that very philosophy. It sounds as if several group members are beginning to listen more to their quiet intuition—an inner knowing that whispers ever so faintly, “Rest is okay!” It can be foreign territory, though, because that mindset is so counterintuitive to the eating disorder. The ED, after all, is about doing and running and striving, and it never seems to be satisfied with “enough.” It’s the drill sergeant in our minds that is always yelling to do more, run farther, be better. It’s not very kind, and it certainly doesn’t reward you for contentment.

But rest…Rest is health. Listening to that quiet voice within you that says it’s okay to be. To sit. To enjoy the moment…and then some. And then some more. And, there are a lot of perks that come with the “being”—allowing yourself to own and enjoy a good mood; not taking on others’ negativism as your responsibility; having dessert for its mere pleasure, and with no agenda to “make up for it later.”

We talked some, too, about environment on Tuesday. How places we once knew can trigger old behaviors and coping mechanisms—ED-related and otherwise. The fear around returning, maybe, to where we grew up or an old workplace. Even if, in fact, a lot of success and recovery has ensued since that time in our lives, our bodies hold those memories of familiar places, people, sights and ways of experiencing them. We can be triggered out of nowhere, simply because our senses are reminded of what they used to know. What are some ways, though, we can create and build structure in an old environment and not give in to old habits or ways of relating to it? How can we reformulate these “old normals” and turn them into “new normals?” Some great insight was shared around the table in answer to this question.

Listening to your body is one way of responding. The body is a pretty insightful tool; it clues us in to those “danger” signals and, if we’re listening, it can give us clues and reminders. When we become aware of those cautionary reminders, we are that much more on the alert to remain vigilant. Another defense is to create “new rituals” in that old environment. For instance, maybe your old mode of operation was to arrive at work, head straight to the coffee pot and round the bend towards your cubicle and the barrage of emails which inevitably await in your inbox. Perhaps, though, you might establish a new way of doing things—creating a quiet refuge in your office near a window with plants; pausing in silence before answering the litany of requests; sipping on herbal tea instead of the corporate brew. These are just ideas and may translate differently in your own lives. Begin to ask yourselves, though, “What are some ways I can practice self-care in my own environment? Where can I be intentional about establishing some solace in the midst of chaos?”

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Strength Through Support For Eating Disorder Recovery

We had a full group on Tuesday evening—several of our regular attendees, a returning member, and some new faces, too. I continue to stand in awe of this group process as it unfolds; whether folks have been in one another’s lives for some time or just meeting, there is a commonality that binds every person at the table together. It is true what they say—there is strength in numbers. It can be easy to forget that when we go about the day-to-day, bombarded with to-do’s and shoulds and deadlines and likely encountering a lot of others who just don’t quite get what it means to struggle with an eating disorder. It may feel like crazy-making, for sure!

Which is why support groups like this one are invaluable. Hearing the stories and affirmations and the “I can relate” is what normalizes our struggles—reminds us we are not alone. Indeed, we are not crazy. In fact, we’re not all that different from just about every other person we come into contact with—because we all have our stuff. How we allow that to unfold in our individual lives, though, is unique and may look different from those around us.

One member spoke of her experience out of inpatient treatment—how she feels like she left the ICU, only to enter a playground. How doing recovery out in the real world is such an alien feeling…and how strong those ED voices have been since she entered outpatient. The group echoed encouragement that she is not alone but on the right track…and should not feel that extra, unnecessary pressure of trying to “do recovery perfectly.” There was more talk on Tuesday night about how transitions in our lives can produce a lot of anxiety and reacquaint us with ED behaviors, after perhaps experiencing a considerable reprieve from behaviors. One member, though, found the strength to “halt” in the middle of a particularly painful day and then found herself on the other side, breathing deeply again after feeling like she wasn’t going to make it through. The more practice we get—sitting through those hard places and learning to reach out to others in the midst—the more resilience, I believe, we find in ourselves. It may call to mind thoughts of “Oh yeah, I did this last time; I made it through. I can do it again.” One returning member talked about the freedom she had been experiencing with food since leaving treatment and how her mind has truly shifted—viewing food as nutrients her body needs in order to function and how it’s even an enjoyable process!

Dr. Dorie shared with us some wisdom “from the trenches,” so to speak. She likened the ED thoughts to a minefield. Walking through, scared, those thoughts lie, ready to blow us up. We all know how destructive those thoughts can be; the damage they can do ranges anywhere from extreme injury to ultimate destruction. In lieu of only avoiding or sidestepping them, she said, why not imagine yourselves digging them up, one by one, at the root—destroying that ticking time bomb entirely. Rather than live in fear, coexisting with and trying to avoid those little balls of destruction waiting to go off—get rid of it, altogether. Total recovery and freedom from this disorder is possible.

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

The Hope of Eating Disorder Recovery

Isn’t it cool when it works? We’ve talked over and over in group about how recovery is difficult, a process, full of ups and downs and twists and turns, an Olympic feat. But on Tuesday night, the theme I heard echoed through the group is that members are not only working hard at recovery, but they’re reaping some its more pleasant benefits. Experiencing some of that calm and peace that everyone tells you will come eventually. I remember that while doing some of the messy work of my own recovery, I used the word “when” pretty often. When will it come?When does it end? How much longer is it going to feel like this? I longed to be through all the muck and just on the other side, finally. On Tuesday night, some of the voices I heard around the table seem to be coming from the other side. 

One member said that she had really been working on loving herself this past week and had quite an epiphany in the process—that it’s certainly a lot more pleasant and fun than the alternative! She seems to have found, too, that doing recovery and having compassion for herself is infectious; it’s attracting others to her. Group members echoed, too, how inspired they were by her movement towards and into health—inspired to continue moving forward in their own recovery, through their own hurdles.

Another member spoke of finally feeling a sense of calm instead of hopelessness. Her eyes are being opened to what may lie at the root of her past self-destructive behaviors—a hunger for love and connection. Seeing it for what it is seems to have brought her a renewed sense of energy, and the lies seem to be dissipating. “I’ve been waitingfor you to get here,” was an encouragement I heard from her fellow group member. 

There was more talk on Tuesday night about truly loving ourselves, truly hearing and accepting compliments from others, truly believing in our inner goodness and wisdom. There just seems to be something to that “love yourself”thing that we talk so much about.Witnessing this kind of recovery-in-action is thrilling, really. It’s roll-in-the-dirt, scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs fantastic.

My hope, though, is that each of you feels encouraged and supported—regardless of where you are at right now in your recovery. Whether you’re walking in more of those flecks of light and truth and freedom these days, or if your footsteps feel more labored—murky…just continue walking. Continue putting one step in front of the other. Keep moving towards recovery…or the hope of recovery….or at least the hope of the hope of recovery. And let us know how we can support you along the way.

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Letting Go of ED... and More

A note from Dr. Dorie:  A very dear friend of mine has recently learned that her Mother only has about a month to live.  What is my friend thinking and feeling at the loss of her parent?  How do we let go of someone we love?  Is it somewhat like letting go of our eating disorder?  Do we love it... not want it to die... yet know we must let go?  Below is the recent update about our Tuesday night group, also on the theme of letting go.  I hope it inspires you to attend and participate.  Or, to just stay connected with us.

Thank you to all our group members who were in attendance last night; and, to those who were unable to attend, I hope these updates bring you a sense of connection and encouragement.

We seem to be seeing in group a theme of needing to take our own advice. Isn’t that so often the case? It just tends to be easier to find the positive and feel the hope for others than it is for ourselves. A number of individuals last night echoed to one another that they see them on the other side—of the ED, of the unhealthy relationship, of the self-destruction. The words, “I am here for you” and “we support you” were echoed throughout the group to struggling members. Many could relate to that ever-present struggle of trying to accept our “set-point weight.” The word “courage” came up more than once.

A number of common threads ran throughout last evening’s discussion. The theme of control was echoed in several members’ check-ins. The need to find control in some area of life, or even the need to have somesort of self-sabotage or addiction. Even those things are forms of control. Whether that be the eating disorder itself, a relationship, exercise, or another form of behavior, it can be difficult to break the attachment. To loosen our grip, though, is to relinquish that control; here, then, comes the letting go.

Letting go of the need to be a certain weight; letting go of a person; letting go of an addiction we allowed ourselves to be defined by. Letting go is terrifying! Who are we, after all, if we’re not the eating disorder or the behavior or the relationship? Sometimes that possibility can be too scary or anxiety-provoking, in and of itself. But, indeed—who are you? Allow your heart to dream of the possibilities. Who are you when you allow yourself to be defined by something other than that thing you have grown so accustomed to? One group member, in fact, said all too profoundly that she has discovered the missing link—to love herself. How might your day look, then, if you exercised love and compassion for yourself instead of negative self-talk? What kind of an impact might that kind of grace have on your decisions? With whom you interact? The ways you spend your time? Food for thought...


Written by Stefanie Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

Holding Onto HOPE Of Eating Disorder Recovery

A small and intimate group again this week. One member spoke of the journey she is currently on, traveling back through various forms of abuse she has experienced throughout her life. In order to move through this and onto the next, she is having to go through the painful process of sorting through those seasons. Her goal is recovery and healing, but in order to do so, she first must give “language” to the past. While this is a necessary thing, she—like most of us—is all too aware of how agonizing that process can be.  Another member struggles with relationship issues, having a hard time moving past that hole she feels in her heart. We continue to remind her, though, that she is not truly stuck; she continues to choose to face the pain without ED behaviors. As we let relationships go, we all shared how we can fixate on the good times and forget all of the really unhealthy things. Letting go of relationships which aren't working, including letting go of ED, can be very challenging.  The two are oddly parallel: both entail grieving; both entail choosing not to listen to accusatory voices; both entail a letting go…The promise on the other side, though, is so very worth it!  Another group member shared how she is feeling rather hopeless, and reacquainted with ED behaviors. She echoed that feeling of “stuckness,” worn down by the routine of “work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep.” She is longing for connection, yet longing for someone on the outside to reach out to her. This is one of those times where we can feel discouraged, but this is when we need others to hang onto that hope for us. We can allow others to “borrow it,” and it will be given back when we’re ready.  Another group member relayed some challenges with “binge-drinking,” which can be a "trade-off" for ED behaviors, but also very damaging. For her, there is a feeling of discomfort, which can trigger ED or drinking behaviors. The group talked about “sitting through” that uncomfortable feeling….waiting out the time and not purging….distracting….calling others in that moment, instead of engaging in behaviors. We talked, too, about “experimenting” with this idea—“I deserve not to self-destruct today.” What might that look like? Would your day change? Would the space around you reflect what you really are—worthy and valuable? Perhaps, it’s an experiment worth engaging…

The journey through the pain is hard work, is it not? I heard much of this echoed throughout our group. On the one hand, we have a choice—either to continue through life, above the surface, allow the hurtful pieces of our past to be ignored or stay buried beneath coping mechanisms, behaviors, and the like. (The eating disorder comes in handy here.) Or, we can choose to open up those pieces of our stories that we may rather not. Revisit the dark places. Go there. Let go of the familiar It’s scary—terrifying, really. And not a fun process. But, I believe that something greater beckons us from the other side—hope. The hope of a fuller life and one that promises more freedom, authenticity, and empowerment. This is the journey we’re all on. And I am honored to be in a room with so many courageous women who have taken up the challenge.

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

What Eating Disorder Recovery Is Really About

We had a small and intimate support group meeting last night; but with three folks present, we still managed to fill up the time! Members shared their week’s successes and challenges openly and honestly. One admitted that she has had a particularly painful week with too much transition and too much of “one thing after another.” That coupled with too much loneliness has led her back into behaviors. Where the eating disorder, though, would like to try and convince her to stay in that place of solitude—doing the familiar when life seems so strangely difficult and unfamiliar—she has chosen instead to reach out to her therapist—and to this group—and communicate what is going on. Another group member shared that she is beginning to own the past and acknowledge some severely grave injustices done to her. As she walks towards healing, she is bravely opening herself up to those dark places from the past which have stayed hidden. As the emotion begins to come up, though, she has been struggling more with old ED thoughts. Our last member shared her very raw sadness with the group, both mourning the loss of a relationship and beginning to feel anger as a part of that process. Even in these most difficult of emotions, though, she has remained behavior-free. (We have decided as a group that recovering from an eating disorder stands alone as its own “Olympic event.” Nothing about recovery is auto-pilot; it is intentional, challenging, heartbreaking, inspiring, joyful, exhausting, depleting, a grieving process, a re-learning of life, a re-learning of self…to name a few. It is medal-worthy, to say the least.)

Recovery is a process…Speaking up and letting others in is a brave step towards recovery and silencing the ED. The ED wants you to stay silent—complacent. Recovery is about living out loud—choosing health by using your voice to let others in. The ED wants to keep you in the dark, feeling the weight of that universal loneliness so many of us struggle with. Recovery beckons you to live in the light, allowing others in to share your story and witness when you’ve taken a step or two back. Much was echoed in our group about loneliness and how that can be one of the most painful feelings we ever have to experience. I would like to put a question out to all our group members about loneliness—What are some ways to choose health, even when you’re experiencing those deep-seated pangs of loneliness? Where have you found comfort—in ways that don’t feed the ED—in the lonelier times?

Written by Stefani Adair, Volunteer Facilitator

When Eating Disorder Recovery Gets Real

This blog post was written by our newest volunteer facilitator, Stefani Adair.  Stefani is completing her Master's degree in Counseling at the Denver Seminary.  Watch for posts each week about our group's theme.  If you can't attend our group, we hope you can feel a part of it my following this blog.  Thanks, Stefani, for your help with our group!
         - Dr. Dorie

We had a full house at our EDF support group this week, the format relatively consistent with that of previous weeks. As group attendees shared their recent successes and challenges, a running theme surfaced—the courage to be real. With extra time following member check-ins, Dr. Dorie asked the group to volunteer examples where they have been real—authentic—in their recent daily life. One shared that she chose to respond honestly to her doctor: In lieu of accepting a prescription she knew would be abused, she admitted that this kind of easy access to medication would not be a good idea for her. And, this same group member offered that she would like consistent accountability with another member. Another individual disclosed that she was able to answer her fiancé sincerely when asked, “What does your eating disorder look like?” This same member, in fact, has made the courageous decision to enter treatment next week after a 17-year battle with bulimia. Another participant spoke of her sincere desire to be real with others in her life. “What if I die,” she asked, “and nobody ever got to know the real me?” One member spoke of the courage it took to use her voice, admitting aloud a negative opinion. When her typical mode of operation may have been to stay silent and agreeable, she chose to speak in the face of fear. Another bravely shared her tears with the rest of the group, acknowledging that she has felt this same depth of sadness for the past six weeks. Instead of returning to the eating disorder, though, she has chosen to sit with her feelings—behavior-free.

The eating disorder often serves as a numbing agent to those painful emotions. Allowing ourselves to feel the feelings, then, is so very counter-intuitive to the ED’s function. Each member at last evening’s group (and this goes to those who were not able to be with us last night, also) is an extraordinary example of courage and inspiration. Members continue to disclose their stories, allowing others to witness their pain, tears, joy, and fear. This is “getting real,” in the truest sense of the word.

        - Written by Stefani Adair

Three Words To Motivate Your Eating Disorder Recovery

We haven't had a topic lately, because we have spent the entire group time on check-ins and feedback for group members.  The group has grown over the past several months, and strong connections are forming between group members.  This past week, we did have some extra time – so Magalie suggested a topic.  The directive was to choose three words that define recovery for you, which help you to stay focused and motivated.  Some of the words that people shared include:  ~ FAITH ~ PERSEVERANCE ~ LIFE ~ TRUST ~ HONESTY ~ HAPPINESS ~ HEALTH ~ CONNECTION ~ HOPE ~ FREEDOM ~ COMPASSION ~ RENEWAL ~ PEACE ~

What are your three words???

Eating Disorder Recovery Songs

At one of our recent groups, Josee shared a music CD that she made with the theme of recovery.  Consider making your own iTunes playlist or burn a CD with songs that inspire you in recovery from your eating disorder.  One of the songs that Josee included was "Life Uncommon" by Jewel.  Here are a few lines from that song:

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you want to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon

A Letter To Your Eating Disorder

At our group this past week, Courtney brought the topic.  She shared a "Goodbye Letter" that she wrote to her eating disorder (ED).  Use Courtney's letter as a model, and write your own "Goodbye Letter" with a trust in your process!

A Letter to ED

You are a gnawing hunger, never fulfilled, for it is not you I desire, it is a sense of self-love and belonging, acceptance of my inner self.  I find it far easier to control what goes in and out of my body, manipulating weight and hunger in a attempt to numb my emotions, rather than feel the pain of loss and longing, tears left unshed, resentment, anger and coming above all -- fear.  I use you to fill that void and these inexplicable burning desires within my very soul.

You taunt and tease me as hunger anxiety grows to unbearable proportions.  I must fill my empty body, leaving me feeling unclean, filthy, disgusted and full of utter self hatred as I have given over my sense of willpower and control to you, ED.  I am compelled to exorcise your demons.  Purge your ugly presence from my body.  You are very deceitful as this temporarily gives back to me some sense of control, but it is you, not I , who has had control over me.  You have been the leader in a never ending vicious cycle of hunger and anxiety.  A circle of death.  

I am tired of the effort it takes to hide you from others.  Tired of the secrets and dishonesty fueled by the shame and embarrassment I feel with you in my life.  Isolating myself further from the rest of the world, family, friends and potential friendships.  I feel weak and worthless, slave body and soul to you.  You are not my friend at all but the epitome of the devil himself, slowly leading me down a path to ultimate self destruction, physical deterioration of my body, emotional and intellectual dysfunction.  You take away my self and all I desire to be, leaving me with nothing but guilt, shame, embarrassment and self hatred.

I have written this letter to you so that I may begin to regain my true sense of self and lessen your hold on me.

Goodbye to hiding behind secrets.

Goodbye to never enough or always to little.

Goodbye to a false sense of control.

Goodbye to guilt and shame.

Goodbye to self hatred.

Goodbye to self inflicted physical and emotional abuse.

Goodbye to emergency room visits, doctors and hospitalizations.  

-- written by Coutrney

For Eating Disorder Recovery, Describe Your Emotion

A big part of eating disorder recovery is knowing what you are feeling.  Clearly identifying your emotions can help you to know what you need – instead of an eating disordered behavior.  Amanda brought a worksheet to help describe emotions in a variety of ways.  Here are the suggestions:

• Name the emotion
• Draw a picture of your emotion
• Describe a related action
• Describe a related sound
• Describe the intensity of the emotion
• Describe the quality of the emotion
• Describe thoughts related to the emotion 

P.S. - You may be interested to attend a workshop about "Intuitive Self-Care" on Saturday, February 20.  It will feature intuitive eating training, strategies to overcome emotional eating, techniques to develop a healthy body image, and much more.  LEARN MORE... 

Art Therapy For Eating Disorder Recovery

Art therapy is a form of creative expression that can be very effective to reveal insights that are not accessible through words.  Magalie brought this week's topic, an art therapy assignment (developed by Jennifer at the Eating Disorder Center of Denver), and suggested that the group members try this as a "homework" assignment.  You may use any media to complete the assignment (drawings, paintings, collages work well).  Use the following questions to create an answer in the form of a metaphor or image.  Some people choose to answer all the questions, and others focus on one or two, it is your choice.

• What should the group know about you?
• What was happening in your life when the eating disorder began?
• How did you come to our group, and was it your choice?
• What types of relationships do you have in your life now?
• What role does the eating disorder play in your life and relationships with others?

If you choose to do this assignment, please feel free to bring your project to a future meeting to share with the group!

What Is Normal Eating?

As you are in recovery from your eating disorder, you may be wondering, what is normal eating?  Valerie brought a handout (written by Ellyn Satter) to give us a few ideas.  The bullet points summarize a few concepts.  Normal eating is...

• going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied
• choosing food you like – not stopping because you think you should
• eating sometimes because you are happy, sad, bored, or it just feels good
• overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable
• eating three times a day, or four or five, or choosing to munch along the way
• trusting your body to make up for your "mistakes" in eating
• flexible, varying in response to your hunger, schedule, and your feelings

Find your own way of "normal eating" by trusting your body this week!

Nourishment: Physical vs. Emotional

Metaphors and stories can provide an abstract perspective to understand eating disorders and the recovery process.  In her book "Eating In The Light Of The Moon," Anita Johnston shares numerous stories to guide us in recovery.  Morghan shared a chapter entitled, "Nourishment: Physical versus Emotional."  The tale is about a magic pear tree, and the discussion which the author offers emphasizes the need to recognize the difference between the body's need for food and other "foods" for the heart and soul.  She notes, "Appreciating the way foods act as metaphors for our deepest longings and concerns can move a woman far along the path of recovery.  As she pays attention to her cravings and the images they evoke, she can bring unconscious feelings and desires into the open.  She can gain a better understanding of what the real issues are that she struggles with, an understanding she might not have obtained if she had continued to deny herself those foods."  What are you really hungry for?

Increase Awareness Of Emotions At Meal Times

Emotional eating (or restricting) is a significant factor in eating disorders.  The recovery process involves increasing awareness of emotions before, during and after eating.  Amanda shared a worksheet that she uses with her therapist to track her emotions at meal times.  You can make your own worksheet, by listing your meals (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack dinner, snack) in a vertical column and the days of the week in a horizontal row.  Then, just before each meal, check in with your feelings and write down what you notice in the appropriate grid.  Wait an hour, and list your feelings again.  You might also add a check-in with your feelings while you are eating.  Try this over the next week and see how this awareness can help you with your recovery!

P.S. – Save the date THURSDAY, MARCH 11 – our group will take a "field trip" that evening to see the new "Alice In Wonderland" movie in IMAX-3D!  Stay tuned for more details!